Memories of Carmen

Last month I lost a dear friend to cancer. This is a letter I wrote to her girls to give them a piece of their mother. I'm posting it here so it will last forever in cyberspace and one day I can find it again and send it to her girls.

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Dear O, E and A,

Strawberries. That is the lesson I learned from your mother Carmen that I want to share with you. But first let me give you the background of our friendship. I first met your mother in the baby room one Sunday at New Hope South Bay in Torrance. I was there with my son R and she was there with O because O did not want to go in the service with the other kids. Your mother was pregnant with E at the time. She was one of those pregnant ladies that glowed, her cheeks plump and healthy. I remember that first Sunday very well because that's also when I met Jenny, M's mom. I don't know what happened but M hit my oldest son H (this is what made it memorable), which marked the start of that friendship. Over the next few months your mom and I became better friends and I was one of E's first visitors at the hospital. E cried when I held her. Pretty much E cried whenever anyone other than Carmen held her. I remember Carmen being very tired that first year because E didn't like to sleep.

Carmen, Jenny and I became good friends while we attended New Hope South Bay. O, H and M were all the same age. O and H were also in the same preschool class at La Primera. Your mom and Auntie Jenny seemed to know how to be great stay-at-home moms. Your houses were so nicely decorated and clean and you always had great snacks. My house was always a mess and I was very stressed out from this new world of mothering. Carmen and Jenny helped me a lot by encouraging me and supporting me when I felt so lacking in so many ways.

One day when we were at your house, your mom gave me strawberries to eat. It was winter so not the right season for them. Carmen told me that she ate strawberries year-round because she liked them. And she didn't just buy any old strawberries, they had to be sweet. So sometimes she would send your papi Jack to Whole Foods to get them, along with the premium whipped cream they only sell there. It wasn't the first time or the last time she would tell me in her own way that I should think more of myself. That while being a mom was a wonderful calling, it didn't mean that I had to deny my own desires and become completely selfless. I didn't really think about this too much at the time, but later when I was pregnant with my third child, I had a craving for strawberries. It was winter and ordinarily I would never buy strawberries during that time because of the cost, but it was encouragement from what Carmen had told me and her own example that gave me the push to listen to my own desires and buy the strawberries. I didn't even look at the price anymore, I just bought them. The lesson is not just about buying strawberries. I feel like that choice was a turning point for me in how I viewed myself. I'm not telling you that you should give in to every whim and fancy, but that if you want something, value yourself enough that you don't just ignore it. You are important. Later when you are moms and you might be getting lost in that role, I hope that you can remember that. You are always yourself first, then a mom and wife second.

Even now, whenever I buy strawberries I think of Carmen and how her words made a difference to my life. She was a wonderful friend. I know no one will ever say my name quite like she did, "you-niece." I will miss her. She gave me O's crib set because she knew I would never buy a girl one, but just use the boy one from H and R. I still have it and will save it for you, O. I know that all three of you will be fantastic moms, just like Carmen. I know you all have great and giving hearts, just like Carmen. Even if you also get from her the habit of being an hour late to everything, that is just fine.

Love always,
Auntie Eunice (H's mom)

Long Story Short

My blog has been dormant. At one point this year I was working two jobs and solo parenting so you can imagine how blogging would not be at the top of my list. I'm still trying to decide whether to go full time lawyering so the blog is on hold for now.

BUT I feel in way that I've passed on the baton. I had my sister Joyce go to BlogHer in my stead and she has been blogging phenomenally since then. She even got a direct response from JOSH GROBAN!!!!! If you are interested in great food content, check out her food blog, Chicago Agashi. She also blogs over at Joyce The Rock Star with fun posts about the single life. The glory days, right? She used to ask me questions about blogging but now she's surpassed me. My sister is a Rock Star, always, forever!!!

Happy December!

DC Escape: International Spy Museum

Last weekend I went to a wedding in Washington, D.C. without Stewart or the kids. It was a very exciting weekend. Wait, that sentence looks too calm. IT WAS A VERY EXCITING WEEKEND! No one climbing on me, no one stealing my food, no one smearing their snot on my clothes. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY FAB-U-LOUS! A group of us law school buddies gathered to celebrate the nuptials of one of our own. Since we graduated 10 years ago, it was a mini-reunion as well. After the wedding we met up with friends who weren't at the wedding and it was fun reliving old times. Sadly our tolerances for alcohol had diminished considerably, but we were all in such good spirits we willingly listened to one friend's anecdotes about the Battle of Gettysburg into the early morning hours of Sunday. Later that morning, I had a more "Washingtonian" moment when I met one of my best friends from college for breakfast, where we discussed the inevitable reality that our resident adviser Cory Booker would become President. So many great reunions with friends and geeky conversations that could only have been possible with a group of nerds such as ourselves. I loved it all! Thank you Siny for providing the happy ocassion for us to converge!

That Sunday a couple members of our group went off on their pilgrimage to visit Gettysburg, but after breakfast, I was intent on fulfilling my wish to visit the International Spy Museum. I've harbored a desire to become a spy for a long time. I don't know when it started. Maybe it was when I realized my dream of becoming an English princess would never come into fruition (too young for Charles, too old for William)? When one dream dies, another has to take its place, right? The longing for a secret identity may have been planted in my mind during college when I came across at the bookstore a book about the long history of alums going into the CIA. Whatever the reason, I tried twice to get into the FBI and both times I was rejected. But the dream lives on, I think fueled in part by my love of the Emily Pollifax series by Dorothy Gilman (RIP). In the series, Mrs. Pollifax becomes an agent when she's a senior citizen so that gives me some hope.

The International Spy Museum did not disappoint. From the picking of the secret identity, to learning about the long history of espionage in the US, to the new 007 exhibit "Exquisitely Evil: 50 Years of Bond Villains"--it was all thrilling and welcome fuel for my imagined double life. I didn't have enough time to go through everything in as much detail as I would have liked, but I like to think that I was giving myself a reason to return. Next time I'm running into some store with my disheveled appearance and trio of troublemakers, I'll pretend it is all a secret mission and the children are merely window dressing for my cover. If you are visiting D.C., definitely make a trip to the International Spy Museum. I hope you enjoy these few fun photos from my visit!

Back to School: Ross $25 Gift Card GIVEAWAY

Today was R's first day of Kindergarten (2 out of 3 kids now in school, woo hoo!). It wasn't an actual school day but orientation day. I guess it still counts because the teacher had him take a photo with a First Day of Kindergarten frame around his body. I would have loved to take a photo of it to share but he wouldn't let go of me, so I had to hide behind his tiny body and that is how he took the photo. Thankfully he had finally stopped crying at this point to take the photo. It must be that middle children are just more sensitive because I thought the crying was over last year with the first week of preschool, but I was wrong. To make him feel better about his first day of school, R&I had special Mommy and Me time. We went to the orientation and then headed to Ross Dress for Less to get him some brand new pants to wear on his first day of school. Unlike H, R is particular about his clothes. He likes what he likes and insists upon getting it. Thankfully, Ross is a store where pretty much we can afford to buy whatever he picks.

Today our mission was to replace his favorite pants that now have two holes in them. Perfectly functional but not worthy of the First Day of Kindergarten! R quickly picked out some blue athletic pants with the signature double stripe down the sides that had a snazzy zipper feature for the pockets. He thought it would be funny to take a picture with them on his head. It's supposed to be 84 degrees tomorrow but he wanted long pants so he got long pants!

Ross had a great array of back to school items from backpacks to room decor. H had purchased his new backpack there a few weeks ago. Unfortunately I can't reveal the brand as Ross has an agreement with vendors not to mention or show brands. But I will tell you that the backpack at Ross cost 1/3 less than the same one at TRU. It's not a place to buy last season's remainders, but for the exact same items that you will find in style today. The back to school deals aren't just for kids. I wish that a Ross had been accessible to me when I had gone to college because I would have furnished my entire dorm room with the great deals that can be found there. Ross is currently running a Back-to-School Fashion Face Off promotion that will run through September 6th on its Facebook page. Each week you will be able to choose your favorite back-to-school Ross outfit for a chance to win one of three $125 Ross gift cards! And that's not all, Ross is giving one Random Mommy reader a $25 gift card to discover the great deals for herself!


HOW TO ENTER THE GIVEAWAY:  Contest period runs from Wednesday, August 28th at 12:01 AM (Pacific) until Wednesday, September 4th at 11:59 PM (Pacific). Enter by leaving the name of your favorite coloring or craft supplies, and leave your e-mail address OR sign in to comments using your Blogger ID, making sure your Blogger profile is public and includes your e-mail address.

Bonus Entries (leave a separate comment for each entry, it counts if you've done any of these so leave a comment for each one)
1) Follow me on Twitter
2) Tweet this contest and leave the tweet url (once per day)
3) Like Ross Dress for Less on Facebook
4) Enter the Back-to-School Fashion Face Off Contest on Facebook

If you don't leave a qualifying comment and your e-mail address or public Blogger profile, your entry will be disqualified. I reserve the right to extend the contest period. At the end of the contest period, I will utilize Random.org to randomly choose the winner. The winner will be contacted by e-mail and will have 72 hours to respond to my e-mail. If the winner does not respond within 72 hours, the prize will go to the next place winner as decided by Random.org. This contest is open for US Residents only. A huge thank you and much appreciation to my friends at Ross Dress for Less for their generosity! Good luck!
 
I did not receive compensation for this post. I received a gift card to facilitate my review. 

Guest Post: Joyce The Rock Star at BlogHer 2013

I've been to the annual BlogHer conference for the past three years. This year I had to miss it due to personal issues so I had my sister go in my place. Joyce has recently started blogging and I'm thrilled with her dedication. She finds the inspiration to blog almost everyday, it's pretty awesome! Check out her blog Joyce The Rock Star. Joyce had a blast at BlogHer and I wanted to share her insight from the Opening Keynote with my readers:

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The 9th Annual BlogHer Conference took place in Chicago’s Sheraton Hotel and McCormick Center this past July 25-27.  Bloggers from all over the world came to network with other bloggers and product/service companies, sample products and services, learn about blogging techniques and protocol, participate in workshops and roundtables, and listen to great, motivational speakers. 

The Kick-off Keynote address was by Ree Drummond; I had no idea who she was, but then I learned she was the Pioneer Woman.  Although I am a major bachelorette who cooks rarely, I have heard about the Pioneer Woman and her “awesome” cookbooks from married and single girlfriends who like to cook.  I learned so much about Ree and was very inspired by her story.  She started off her “speech” to us by apologizing that she truly is not a public speaker and she lamented that she had no podium to stand behind as a crutch.  She even went so far as to tell us that she was wearing SPANX, which perhaps made the audience feel that they could relate to her. 

Ree was an urban girl, but ended up falling in love with a cowboy and settled down in rural Oklahoma.  Since she was the last person her girlfriends expected to live in the country, she was called the Pioneer Woman, and the name stuck.  She started blogging in 2006 and shared amateur photos and recipes.  It was through her blogging that catapulted her successful career writing cookbooks, childrens’ books, and even having her own show on the Food Network.  It was truly inspirational that her success happened as a result of her blogging.  Throughout her speech, she did say many “ums,” to support her insistence she was not a public speaker.  I am also not the most eloquent or articulate public speaker, but knowing that her words through different media inspired so many people around the world was quite edifying.  She wrapped up the speech by singing (pretty badly) to pictures of her basset hound.  “Don’t ever be afraid of embarrassing yourself.”  I will carry that advice with me always.

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Thanks Joyce! I embarrass myself everyday so this is very good to hear!

From Left to Write: The Execution of Noa P. Singleton

This post was inspired by the novel The Execution of Noa P. Singleton by Elizabeth L. Silver. Mere months before Noa’s execution, her victim’s mother changed her mind Noa’s sentence and vows to help stay the execution. Join From Left to Write on July 30 as we discuss The Execution of Noa P. Singleton. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review. Due to the highly sensitive nature of this post I want to make it clear that these opinions are entirely my own and do not reflect the views of anyone at From Left to Write.

It's hard to be a lawyer sometimes. Actually all of the time. Either your relatives want you to do work for free or your own knowledge of the law makes you argue something when it's clearly not worth your time just because you know you're legally correct. There are some decisions that absolutely SHOCK the heck out of me, yet at the same time they don't because I've seen how the law works from the inside. There are always cases that support each side of any issue. Cases from each of the 50 states and cases from the Supreme Court from which lawyers argue citing the main decision or the dissent, whatever supports their argument. Everything is debatable. If you're not familiar with the legal reasoning of the Trayvon Martin case, the reason GZ was found "Not Guilty" is that Self Defense as a legal concept is an absolute defense against culpability. If you can win on the Self Defense, the prosecution doesn't even get to the elements of the crime.
 
When I was reading The Execution of Noa P. Singleton I was struck by the absolute need for me to post about the Trayvon Martin decision because of the existence of a gun shot in each case that irrevocably changed the lives involved in the shooting.  One single shot ended the life of one character and erased any hope of redemption for another character in The Execution of Noa P. Singleton. One single shot ended the life of Trayvon Martin and the ability for GZ to have a normal life. One act, one fraction of a second, one death that had consequences reverberating far beyond that which the shooter could have imagined. Yet, the similarities end there. For GZ was able to argue successfully the defense of Self Defense that led to a "Not Guilty" verdict.

These are the elements of Self Defense:

Element 1 - Actual belief regarding use of physical force by other person

The first element is that when the defendant GZ used defensive force against Trayvon Martin, he actually -- that is, honestly and sincerely -- believed that the other person was using or about to use physical force against him. The jury found this element satisfied by GZ's voice on the 911 call. I discuss this later, but I think this isn't ironclad. Since no one was there, do we know for sure whether GZ was actually being attacked? Anyone can call 911 and scream that they are being attacked.

Element 2 - Reasonableness of that belief

The second element is that the defendant's actual belief about the force being used or about to be used against him was a reasonable belief. The jury found the belief to be reasonable. Why? Because they believed that Trayvon Martin had actually attacked GZ. I have a different theory. The friend that he spoke to one minute before the entire episode took place warned Trayvon that if there was a big man following him, then he may be about to rape him. Teenagers are very impressionable. And yes, Trayvon had marijuana in his system, so he probably was more sensitive to the suggestion that he was about to be raped. Did the jury even consider that Trayvon Martin was acting in his reasonable belief that he was about to be attacked? Of course not, they only look at it from the perspective of the person who killed him. If Trayvon were justifiably defending himself against an attack, then doesn't that negate the reasonableness of GZ's belief that Trayvon was using force? You don't tell rape victims that they will be punished because they defended themselves against the rapist, do you?

Element 3 - Actual belief regarding degree of force necessary

The third element is that when the defendant used physical force upon Trayvon Martin for the purpose of defending himself, he actually -- that is, honestly and sincerely -- believed that the degree of force he used was necessary for that purpose. If anyone believes they need to shoot to kill when the other person is unarmed, they are not using the degree of force necessary. Is taking a life so easy that you need to shoot to kill when it is your "standing your ground" that has brought you into the situation? GZ only had to use force because he didn't run away or call the police when he first spotted Trayvon. If GZ thought Trayvon was dangerous enough that he had to shoot him, he should have called the police, not acted like a vigilante. And if he wasn't skilled enough with a gun to shoot Trayvon only enough to stop the attack, then he had no business walking around with a gun in the first place. My name is on the NRA Roll and I have no problem saying that anyone who doesn't know how to use a gun shouldn't have one. This is not about gun control, this is about people having guns who are NOT qualified to have them.

Element 4 - Reasonableness of that belief

The fourth element is that the defendant's actual belief about the degree of force necessary to defend himself was a reasonable belief. I was a successful corporate attorney because I was  paranoid. On an M&A deal, I always thought the other side was out to get us so I would dig until I found the hidden liability they were trying to foist onto us. So my theory is this--I think GZ planned in advance to kill Trayvon Martin. He had seen Trayvon walking home on another occasion and thought it would be the perfect crime. His neighborhood patrolling was just a pretense for him to walk around armed, waiting for the right opportunity. Then he would pretend that he was being attacked, make a 911 call, and kill the unarmed black teenager in cold blood. Is my theory reasonable? Any more reasonable than killing a unarmed teenager because he's black and wearing a hoodie? I'm convinced that if Trayvon Martin had been Asian, even if he had acted in the same exact way, GZ would not have killed him.

I wonder how GZ can maintain his silence. Even if this all were true and the defense of Self Defense actually applies to him, how could anyone who has killed another living, breathing human being out of sheer arrogance hold his head up in society. If it were me, I would have taken a deal with the prosecution to serve at least some jail time to atone for the taking of Trayvon Martin's life. Was he afraid if he did that, that he would be marked man in prison and likely killed before he could get out? He is a marked man now, getting death threats every minute and not able to leave his house without body armor. He may even have been safer in prison.

Since the verdict, I've been thinking about so many different arguments that people have been making about how the jury couldn't find enough evidence to convict. But they don't sway me. GZ killed Trayvon Martin. In my mind that makes him Guilty. Of killing someone! If the legal system doesn't hold him accountable, GZ should atone for it himself. None of us should get away with something because the law lets us do it. If that were the case, we might as well all steal and cheat and lie on our taxes because we will probably get away with it. There is right and wrong. There is justice and injustice. If we want our children to grow up to be decent human beings, we need to stop racial profiling and admit to our prejudices. These days whenever I see a black person, I want to apologize for the failings of society, of the law, of myself. I'm afraid they might take it the wrong way if I do that, so I end up just averting my eyes and feeling guilty. I can only do what I can and make sure my children don't grow up with prejudice. I hope all of us can do whatever little thing we can to make sure something like this never happens again.

Heart Eyes and Feet

I don't post about my faith for the most part. If you know me, you know how imperfect I am and how many things I do that don't match up to what people might expect from a Christian. Just bear with me, though, I have something that I need to share that is punching me very hard right now. Today's sermon given by guest speaker Tae Shin, really convicted me that I needed to post. He spoke about Psalm 131:1. This is the verse from the New International Version of the Bible:
¹ My heart is not proud, Lord,
    my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
    or things too wonderful for me.

Pastor Shin's point was that while on the way to Jerusalem, on the way up the hill, King David sang this song of "pre-worship" stating that his heart was not proud, his eyes were not looking down on others, and his feet were focused on getting to worship and not concerned about other things. Pastor Shin's point was that King David was praising and worshiping God on the way to worship. It reminded me of the verse our MOPS president had shared at last week's steering meeting, 1 Chronicles 16:10:
¹⁰ Glory in his holy name;
    let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.
  
What struck me, what I felt God was telling me, was that I need to look at my life and thank him. THANK him for my body. If you have seen me at any point this past week, you will know why this has been difficult for me. I could barely walk because of a personal training session last Saturday that was more akin to an hour of boot camp. Given that the personal trainer was an Army Ranger for 15 years, I think that was his intention. My legs wouldn't work properly and it was not until Wednesday that I could walk in a somewhat straight line. I felt pain all over my body. Of course, most of this pain was my own fault since I wanted to prove to him that this overweight, out-of-shape body could handle it. My pride as a past NCAA college athlete and marathon runner made it impossible for me to tell him that I couldn't handle the weights with which he had me work.

The verse from my MOPS president and watching CNN yesterday at the gym while I tortured myself even more came together with Pastor Shin's message today to strike me like a blow to the face. I need to be thankful for my body, as broken as it is, because this body is ALIVE. Trayvon Martin is dead. A young man who had been talking with his friend a few minutes before his death is no longer in this world to feel whether his body is in pain or not. So I need to be grateful. For this chance to make my body stronger, for the fact that I get to wake up in the morning, for God who gives me everything that I need when I need it.

I'm sure you didn't think that was where this post was going. But I have been screaming on the inside ever since I heard about the verdict because it just doesn't make any sense to me. How can GZ (I don't even want to give power to that man by writing his name) be NOT GUILTY? Trayvon Martin was not perfect, but GZ had no right to take his life. If you think your life is in danger and you happen to have a gun, why not shoot someone in the leg or the arm? Why do you shoot to kill? 

I'm going to follow up this post with another one addressing why I think the legal issues have been screwed up in this case. Can we continue to do nothing and let the kind of fear that killed Trayvon Martin run rampant? My Heart Eyes and Feet need to do something about it. I thank God for my body and my brain and my ability to take action. I praise God for the pain I feel because it helped me realize how great it is that I can feel pain. I wish Trayvon Martin could feel this pain.